'Dreams'

 I've been having some pretty vivid dreams during this pregnancy. Very life like with a twist of my own 'insanity,' just to keep things interesting. Some of them have been good 'happy' dreams, but most of the ones I remember are nightmares. I think I remember them because they get so insane they wake me up, in tears most of the time too.

From what I've read, these vivid dreams are normal during pregnancy. Many women get them. The dreams are caused by the flood of hormones in our brain. Messing with our emotions. However, most women have dreams about their babies or about their partners. Not me. I have 'dreams' about past horrors, made worse by my imagination. Or a terrible scenario of how I feel certain people have treated me.

My last 'dream' really scared the shit out of me. Not only did I wake up in tears but I sat balling for a solid hour once I woke up. I became a total creeper, watching hubby sleep and occasionally just touching him to make sure he was actually there and I wasn't 'dreaming.' Glad he didn't wake up while I was all freaked out like that. I would have really scared him.

I was so upset and angered by this 'dream' that I decided to do some research into it and talk to some other moms about it. Many moms had dreams & 'dreams' when they were pregnant, though like my readings had predicted, most of their dreams were of their children or partners. One mom had dreams about other things, like me. She suggested that I analyze it, that helped her, she went the Jung route of analyzing.

(From what I remember of studying psychology: Freud did a lot of work into 'dreamland' and Jung was a colleague of Freud's. He also dove into 'dreamland' but had a different perspective on interpretations that was more widely excepted and is still used in the twenty-first century.)

So I found a couple of articles: Dreams During Pregnancy & Jungian Analysis: Dreams.

Dreams During Pregnancy
This is a fairly short article. It was very reassuring that the 'dreams' are just dreams. They are caused by emotions and hormones flooding the brain. The article also covered and explained some of the key happenings that have been reoccurring in my 'dreams,' going into a small bit of analysis.

I'm glad I found this article because it was short enough for me to read in only a few minutes - I didn't have time to let my mind wander back to the dream I had - and it had reassurance & explanation for the 'dream,' exactly what I was looking for!

Jungian Analysis: Dreams

This goes through how to analyze your dreams. It concisely walks you through important points of your dream and helps interpret what they could mean. Finding meaning in my 'dreams' really helps me to find peace with it and move on.

I'm an anti-theist.

Lately I've been getting the question 'why do you' or 'what caused you' '-to believe that?'  Some even have the audacity to claim that my husband has 'brain-washed' me into thinking the way I do. So. Let me set the record straight and answer those questions with my de-conversion story:

I was an avid christian growing up. I insisted, by the age of five, that my parents take me to church. We went to a Lutheran church and I attended the private school there until I was in the second grade. I then moved to public schools where, for a good year, I was bullied and beat up. My parents took me to karate lessons, but I never harmed my bullies. I believed that Jesus wanted me to turn the other cheek, so the bullies continued and I did nothing to stop them.

I did not question anything about my faith until I got to high school. To me my faith in god, Jesus, and the holy spirit were solid and unchanging as I believed the trinity to be. However, a friend from middle school had asked me some questions (ones that I no longer specifically remember) about my faith that I didn't have answers for. Questions that lingered in my mind unanswered. To find the answers I joined a youth group, a high school campus group, and continued going to church, a community church in the area, protestant.

Unfortunately, I was molested by one of the guys in the campus group that I thought was a friend. This experience taught me a few things though. It taught me that friends cannot be trusted - the guy that touched me or the people I thought would help me through who turned their back on me.  It also taught me, through my parents reaction, that sexuality is a bad thing. This thing is 'special' for marriage and should not be explored other wise. If it was explored I would have consequences enforced upon me.

This is when I started getting my own questions about god, people, society, how the world 'really' worked. (Again, I don't quite remember the specific questions.) I dove into the bible face first - that's where I thought all the answers would be found. According to my faith, I believed god would walk me through this. I was never alone. All things are possible with god.

Before I got out of high school there were some traumatic events that happened within my parent's relationship. By my mother's previous requests I will not go into much detail about them, out of respect for the ideal of privacy. However, I did learn from them. I realized that I don't agree. I do not agree with their parenting styles nor do I agree with their relationship as a whole. I started questioning everything in my mind, but I never asked anything. I was afraid to.

I started community college where I joined a baptist bible study group. I felt like my faith was solid again. I still didn't have answers to all my questions, but I felt it wasn't that important to pursue the answers at the time. People from the baptist group got together in hung out in the common area of the school where others would join us. Many people joined in our conversations to ask questions about god. One guy in particular was a 'science geek' and posed some really hard questions then pulled out scientific articles to back up what he was saying. Though, he would also follow some of us around and wouldn't talk about anything else. It bugged me that he was putting seeds of doubt into my faith again.

My time at community college was fun though. It gave me time to recollect myself for the most part and have open conversations about everything! Though I will admit, faith was my favorite topic when that 'science geek' wasn't around. I made a muslim friend while I was there and I got into a relationship with a guy that was 'spiritual.' We had lots of thought provoking conversations about faith and became best friends in the process. It did bother my christian 'morals' to be in a relationship with him.

I moved to a christian university for my last two years of schooling before a had a bachelor of arts degree. I chose a christian university because (well, for a ton of reasons, but also) I wanted to keep my faith, I wanted to be immersed in it. I was too!

Christian history was a required class at the university, I had taken a couple world religion, and new testament courses at the community college. All the classes at the university were taught by christians and everything that happened on campus was tied back to the faith. The university itself was founded in the quaker denomination. I had many conversations with various professors, took elective classes in religious studies, and had many conversations with many believing friends so that I could get all the information I could on god's character and the christian faith. I felt like god and I had been though so much together that there was no way I could ever turn my back on him or doubt his existence. He had 'proven' himself time and time again.

At the end of 2011 my grandmother passed away. I was heart broken: she had cared for me many years when I was younger, going to elementary school and my mother was working. I hold many fond memories of being with her. Soon after I broke up with my 'spiritual' guy. We had been talking about marriage though the strain on our relationship from me being away at school in combination with me feeling disrespected caused an end to that. In my small college town I rode my bike to work and school, a few weeks after we broke up this is what I was doing when I was hit by a truck.  I was scatter brained and in a bit of shock after the event and my tire was bent. I was so happy to be alive and mostly unharmed! I attributed that luck to god, thinking there must be a reason he kept me alive. The elation of the accident caused a 'miss-communication' between me and a coworker. I was raped. I has said no, but he was already in my apartment, no one else was around and he wasn't respecting that I was repeating over and over that I din't want that. I had no idea what to do or how to stop it from happening - it was already set in motion and it happened. That was in the beginning of 2012.

'How could you let that happen again?' was a response when I was looking for support and help. It became obvious to me that I needed more help than friends or family could give. I searched for this god I had so much faith in to help me through. I went to counseling provided by my university (christian based.) If none of that helped I had a plan: my roommate at the time was hardly ever around. She had some medical conditions that caused her to have a lot of medications. 'I could probably just go in and, to her loss, take all the meds (pain killers included) in the apartment. While the medical field is pretty awesome, I'm sure it would be hours until anyone found me or noticed me missing and by then I'd be long gone.'

I made the decision to stay at the university and around people as much as I could for my own safety. I told the counselor I was seeing that I had made this decision and she made me feel good about it. 'It showed that I have an interest in being alive and that I knew and took responsibility for taking care of myself.' I was really proud of that. God wasn't doing that for me, I was making the decision myself. That was new to me.

It was summer break and I had one more semester until I graduated in December of 2012. A lot had happened. I had felt myself move away from christian faith and I felt a need to find myself. I lived with my grandfather that summer and tried a lot of new things. I got my first tattoo - my body had been violated, I wanted to reclaim it as my own. I read a couple of books about Taoism and living in the moment that brought a lot of peace to my mind. Going back to the university: I had a lot of  peace about life. I still held the christian faith, but fairly loosely: it was 'common sense' in my mind, the only way to get salvation.

Got through that last semester and I put a profile on a dating site the last few weeks there. Honestly I was procrastinating from packing and I wanted to get some new life experiences meeting people. I had a lot of fun and my best friend helped with that. I started talking to (my now) husband on that site. When I met him he was a catholic. We started having serious conversations about (life & everything, but also about) faith after I moved in with him.

We started watching debates between christians and atheists (to answer questions we both had or had different opinions about.) I felt really frustrated that the atheists always made more logical sense in their arguments. I eventually I was left with just a few questions. Some had been posed to me before, but now they had really sunk in and I needed to answer them for myself. The most prominent:

Why was it so important to me that there is a god?
After studying psychology and learning to step out side of situations to look at things objectively, I took a step beside myself to answer this question. I found the answer: control. I needed control of the situations I went through. I need control of the past, present, and future. I needed control over the things I felt I had no control over. I attributed that to god, to a higher power, to a supernatural omniscient, omnipotent being. One that I could pray to and leave all my cares behind. I was controlling my world through having an all powerful being. If I let go of god, I will not have control anymore.

It took a while.

'Atheist' was a dirty word though. I honestly thought that atheism was a group of extremely 'evil' people. I didn't want that to be what people thought of me. It all finally sunk in. I didn't need to hold control of everything surrounding me. That includes what people think of me. Took me just over twenty years, but welcome to reality!

I'm an atheist: there is no proof of the super natural and I don't need it in my life.

...................................................................................................................................................

The transition into atheism has been quite a journey for me. Not talking to myself on a regular basis ('praying') was weird to me. Though, I actually found most of it to be quite freeing! Which I didn't expect. I didn't even know how I really felt about god until I realized he was non-existent! I don't have this 'great father' in the sky constantly watching over me, judging me, causing me to worry if I'm good enough for him or doing the right thing. When I donate money or my time to a cause now it's not because I want god to 'smile down on me,' but because I genuinely care and believe in the cause. I don't spend hours of my time worrying about people's spiritual lives and feeling guilty for not talking to them about 'the good word.' Now the only thing I worry about is if I'm being a decent person to those around me (and when I fail at that I have to put my big girl panties on and own up to it - there's no more brushing things off to god: 'sorry I sinned, forgive me.')

However, coming to this realization has made me painfully more aware than I ever was before at how harmful religion is! Just take a look into any history book, you'll find that almost every war that ever was, began with it's roots in religion. (Take the crusades for example!) This is still affecting us today, in 2015, with the war against the middle east.

Not only are politics and wars being affected by this but children everywhere are growing up in an environment of religion. Being taught the hate that is found in all religious texts, living their life thinking they need to appease some god. It's heart breaking!!!

Look at all the damage religion has done for humanity! It causes so much harm. I honestly really wish religion wasn't a thing.

This is why (at least in part) I now strongly believe that religion not only needs to be discussed and talked about but also questioned and at times mocked. Religion is an idea that has caused death throughout the centuries.

I live in America where we have a freedom of speech, separation of church and state! These two, unfortunately, seem more like ideals than actual constitutional rights sometimes because America is over populated with a majority of christians (and other religious groups.) They want to impose their beliefs into our laws. Take scientific findings (ex. evolution) out of our schools.

Honestly, for everyone's sake, I hope we can all take a step into reality someday soon.  I hope we can all find the peace that comes with knowing there is no god. I hope that someday there is no religion to oppress us, stop us from moving forward in scientific fields, or hold us (humanity as a whole) back in any other way.

(Sadly, I don't think this will happen in my life time.)

Puppy Love

Sorry I haven't kept up on this for the past month-ish. I haven't felt like writing, we've been busy with hubby's photography business, and other than that not much has been going on. The last wedding hubby and I worked on I ran the photo booth (as usual.) One child really liked one of our hats, as they were walking away from the booth I told them they needed to leave the hat there. The grandmother (I think) got really losses off at me because the child was crying when I took the hat back.  She called me a cow. She asked how much I wanted for the hat. I told her it wasn't for sale and that wasn't the issue. I simply need it left at the photo booth because I would like other people to be able to use it. At that point someone came over to her and pulled her away.  I really don't understand why that concept is so hard for people to grasp?

On Monday I reached 19 weeks of pregnancy! (21 weeks to go, almost half way there) Early morning on Halloween we have an appointment for an ultra sound and we should find out the gender of our baby!  I'm super excited of course (with a hint of nervousness) and so is my baby daddy.

With that joy coming up in a few days and the excitement and planing of how else we should celebrate Halloween, the terrifying idea that I have adult things to deal with is really bringing me down.  The lease for the condo ends on November first. Our initial plan was to renew the lease for just one more year while we planed a move to a better area now that a baby is on it's way.  

The thought did cross our mind to move when the lease is up because the condo association is very nit picky about their rules to a ridiculous extent. We got a notice about "garbage" on our back porch. We are on the second floor, the porch is facing the edge of the condo property, over looking a strip of grass, a fence, and the surrounding neighborhood, therefore for anyone to see our porch they had to walk around the building and look up at our porch to see anything on the porch. The porch is screened in as well, so if you went around in the evening the sun's glare on the screen would prevent you from seeing our porch at all. And I've never seen anyone back there all the time I've spent out there crafting. Someone had to be inspecting the building to see anything on our porch, and the "garbage?" That was a box. One single cardboard box of medium size that we had left out there to later break down and store in the closet for moving later.

What has really been getting under our skin about their "sacred" rules is labeling issues.  We have two bikes and two kayaks. Being on the second floor, we store these items outside on shared grounds of the condo. Our bikes in the bike racks and our kayaks in the boat racks ( I'm not sure what the actual rack is called, it has kayaks and SUP boards that are owned by the people living in the condos.) The rule is that a name and condo number has to be on these items that are stored outside. Which is fine for the bikes: the bike rack is under a shelter and bikes are easily labeled with a permanent marker and tape. The boat rack is not sheltered. There is a tree over it, not something that catches rain though, and boats go in the water: markers get washed off, tape looses its stickiness. So we've labeled our kayaks several times. Yet every time it rains we find our kayaks moved from the boat racks, and in one event thrown in a dump site. Which we then had to retrieve after noticing they were no longer in the rack. We were not told the boats were being removed, there was no attempt to contact us. This has happened at least three times that I can think of.

Our biggest problem with this condo now is that the HOA is refusing to renew our lease. The owner of the condo has said he loves us as tenets, the rental company that we have gone through to get this place is happy with us, but the HOA has an issue. The problem is 4.4lbs. My fur baby, Neelix, weighs 24.4lbs and their small animal rule is 20lbs. Therefore, in the next few days we need to get rid of my fur child or they will not renew our lease for the year. I know "rules are rules" however an extra 4.4lbs is a ridiculous reason to deny the renewal. I would understand if he ended up being even ten pounds over the limit, then fine, he grew too big and is no longer a small dog, fine. But 4.4 fucking pounds!?!?! What if he was just a little fat? What if most of it is his fur? He is a Sheltie after all, I'm sure at the very least he has two pounds of hair on him now.

There are problems with this dog. When we first got him we did ponder finding a new home for him because we didn't know if we could handle his obnoxious shyness. He's frightened of almost everything. People, that he can hear but not see, he will run away from. People who are on the other side of the street, he will run from. A parked trailer, he will run from. A stationary running car, he will run from. Most recently, a pumpkin on a stool set outside by the side walk, he will run from. Neelix will even run from hubby when he enters the room even though he loves to play with him outside. However, if you have four legs, a tail, and the humans call you a dog, he will play with you! A cat? A squirrel? A bug in the house? He will chase.  

Neelix is my baby! He follows me everywhere, if he's scared he will corner behind me or try to wedge himself between my legs. Since I've gotten pregnant I've noticed that he's gotten protective of me. We had some people over one day that he hadn't met before. When they tried to hug me he growled and got super defensive, in ways that I've never seen before! He's my bathroom buddy, every time I go to the bathroom he follows me in. Then he will either crawl under my leg, sit there and wait for me, he will lay at my feet and lick my toes, or he'all bring a toy and want me to play. If I'm sitting at my desk he will lay under it. If I'm sitting on the couch he will either be on the couch laying next to me or laying on my feet in front of the couch. 

All the days I've had a hard time at work he comes and lays next to me, pouting with me looking up at me with his big puppy eyes. When I cry he's right there in my face licking the tears off me. He's always ready to play when I am, and he has the biggest puppy smile on his face while we do. 

I love and hate his 2 am energy spurts. Sometimes I'm super worn out from my day hubby and I don't always want to play. Though when we also have the energy for nigh time walks I love to watch him play tag with my hubby! I laugh so hard at how fast he zooms around and sometimes loosing his feet ending up in barrel rolls in the grass. They have tag made into a real sport, hubby has to trick Neelix in order to catch him sometimes, telling him to sit and asking him to shake so hubby can get closer. ... If we have to get rid of him there will be no more tag at two in the morning.

If I don't have Neelix there will be no more reason to run up and down the stairs multiple times a day. Who will put their front paws on the window seal and watch for something to bark at?  Who will jump at my mirrored closet to eventually fall into it, open it and make it scary enough to run away?  Who will leave stuffing all over the living room from all the stuffed animals that need to be torn apart and what snow will I have to clean up? Who is going to chase the cursor on my lap top, or the circle on hubby's game?  Who's food an water bowls will I fill up when I take my vitamins every morning? Who is going to catch the cockroaches that run across the kitchen floor?  Who will I get mad at when my stuff is chewed up because they feel they haven't gotten enough attention that day?  Who will I have when hubby is gone for work?  Who's going to curl up in bed next to me when hubby gets up before me?  Who is gong to jump and prance with the biggest puppy smile when he gets a new toy?

If we have to get rid of Neelix I won't have a reason to hide around the corners and run around in circles, laughing and acting like a child.  Hubby will have no one to chase and then burst out in to laughter because he is cowering and just letting hubby pick him up for loves.  If we have to get rid of Neelix I will never know how he reacts to getting a human sibling.  Or how they will interact as they get old together.  I will be losing a best friend.  Hubby will be losing a play mate.  My child will be missing out on having a puppy to learn about and care for him.  The condo will be so empty, there would be something missing.

One of the selling points for this place was that we could have a dog.  Hubby and I really wanted a dog!  Granted we couldn't get a golden retriever like hubby really wanted...  Still we could have a buddy to live with.  Our first fur child together, my fur baby.  I have to get rid of him because he is 4.4lbs over your arbitrary weight limit for "small" animals?

I'm don't even know how to fight this?  Or why I should have to fight this?  4.4lbs!  The owner is fine with the dog.  The owner is on the HOA board and thinks it's silly that they want us to get rid of the dog for that.  Seriously!?!?  There is a board of people of whom the majority think 4.4lbs is worth ripping a piece of my family out of his home!?!?  Now, if he had grown ten pounds over their weight limit then fine, he grew to be a bigger dog than we thought.  If you've had complaints about his barking. If someone on the condo property has been in some sort of conflict with this dog.  Fine.  Those reasons I would understand.  For the simple reason that he grew a few pounds over the "small animal pound limit" that's bs.

With four days what am I supposed to do?  The only thing that leaves me time to do is to give my fur baby up to the pound or a shelter.  That's not even enough time to find him a decent home, or a good place for him to stay.  Who can I call?  Who can I talk to?  To say haw ridiculous this is?  Can I appeal to the HOA?  Should I make my poor fur baby starve for the next few weeks to loose the weight for you?  I wish I could move and get out from under your thumb in four days.  We just scheduled an "urgent" vet appointment where we spent $200 for rabies and vaccines to be updated because you just needed those papers a.s.a.p.!  Not good enough for you?  We have to get rid of him now?  Let me shave him, chop off a limb or two - there's your fucking 4.4lbs! Better idea, I'll leave his poop on each of your door steps.  Add up that weight!

Ugh. I don't know what to do.  I'm not happy that you, HOA, even bring up the idea.  The thought brings me to tears.  To seriously have to consider it just to keep housing for myself?  I don't need this stress.  I need my dog to cheer me up.  Especially being pregnant and going through mood swings.  I need my fur child.  NEED!  And I need to stop crying about this.  I have no idea how to resolve this.  I want to be fucking happy and fucking excited to find out the gender of my child I don't want to be fucking balling because you want to get rid of my fur child.

Update as of Oct. 29th: Hubby got a call this morning from the president of the condo association (or something like that) and apparently the board voted (or re-voted?) that my fur baby can stay and they will renew our lease! I'm not sure what did it, but I'm happy this happened!