'Dreams'

 I've been having some pretty vivid dreams during this pregnancy. Very life like with a twist of my own 'insanity,' just to keep things interesting. Some of them have been good 'happy' dreams, but most of the ones I remember are nightmares. I think I remember them because they get so insane they wake me up, in tears most of the time too.

From what I've read, these vivid dreams are normal during pregnancy. Many women get them. The dreams are caused by the flood of hormones in our brain. Messing with our emotions. However, most women have dreams about their babies or about their partners. Not me. I have 'dreams' about past horrors, made worse by my imagination. Or a terrible scenario of how I feel certain people have treated me.

My last 'dream' really scared the shit out of me. Not only did I wake up in tears but I sat balling for a solid hour once I woke up. I became a total creeper, watching hubby sleep and occasionally just touching him to make sure he was actually there and I wasn't 'dreaming.' Glad he didn't wake up while I was all freaked out like that. I would have really scared him.

I was so upset and angered by this 'dream' that I decided to do some research into it and talk to some other moms about it. Many moms had dreams & 'dreams' when they were pregnant, though like my readings had predicted, most of their dreams were of their children or partners. One mom had dreams about other things, like me. She suggested that I analyze it, that helped her, she went the Jung route of analyzing.

(From what I remember of studying psychology: Freud did a lot of work into 'dreamland' and Jung was a colleague of Freud's. He also dove into 'dreamland' but had a different perspective on interpretations that was more widely excepted and is still used in the twenty-first century.)

So I found a couple of articles: Dreams During Pregnancy & Jungian Analysis: Dreams.

Dreams During Pregnancy
This is a fairly short article. It was very reassuring that the 'dreams' are just dreams. They are caused by emotions and hormones flooding the brain. The article also covered and explained some of the key happenings that have been reoccurring in my 'dreams,' going into a small bit of analysis.

I'm glad I found this article because it was short enough for me to read in only a few minutes - I didn't have time to let my mind wander back to the dream I had - and it had reassurance & explanation for the 'dream,' exactly what I was looking for!

Jungian Analysis: Dreams

This goes through how to analyze your dreams. It concisely walks you through important points of your dream and helps interpret what they could mean. Finding meaning in my 'dreams' really helps me to find peace with it and move on.

Puppy Love

Sorry I haven't kept up on this for the past month-ish. I haven't felt like writing, we've been busy with hubby's photography business, and other than that not much has been going on. The last wedding hubby and I worked on I ran the photo booth (as usual.) One child really liked one of our hats, as they were walking away from the booth I told them they needed to leave the hat there. The grandmother (I think) got really losses off at me because the child was crying when I took the hat back.  She called me a cow. She asked how much I wanted for the hat. I told her it wasn't for sale and that wasn't the issue. I simply need it left at the photo booth because I would like other people to be able to use it. At that point someone came over to her and pulled her away.  I really don't understand why that concept is so hard for people to grasp?

On Monday I reached 19 weeks of pregnancy! (21 weeks to go, almost half way there) Early morning on Halloween we have an appointment for an ultra sound and we should find out the gender of our baby!  I'm super excited of course (with a hint of nervousness) and so is my baby daddy.

With that joy coming up in a few days and the excitement and planing of how else we should celebrate Halloween, the terrifying idea that I have adult things to deal with is really bringing me down.  The lease for the condo ends on November first. Our initial plan was to renew the lease for just one more year while we planed a move to a better area now that a baby is on it's way.  

The thought did cross our mind to move when the lease is up because the condo association is very nit picky about their rules to a ridiculous extent. We got a notice about "garbage" on our back porch. We are on the second floor, the porch is facing the edge of the condo property, over looking a strip of grass, a fence, and the surrounding neighborhood, therefore for anyone to see our porch they had to walk around the building and look up at our porch to see anything on the porch. The porch is screened in as well, so if you went around in the evening the sun's glare on the screen would prevent you from seeing our porch at all. And I've never seen anyone back there all the time I've spent out there crafting. Someone had to be inspecting the building to see anything on our porch, and the "garbage?" That was a box. One single cardboard box of medium size that we had left out there to later break down and store in the closet for moving later.

What has really been getting under our skin about their "sacred" rules is labeling issues.  We have two bikes and two kayaks. Being on the second floor, we store these items outside on shared grounds of the condo. Our bikes in the bike racks and our kayaks in the boat racks ( I'm not sure what the actual rack is called, it has kayaks and SUP boards that are owned by the people living in the condos.) The rule is that a name and condo number has to be on these items that are stored outside. Which is fine for the bikes: the bike rack is under a shelter and bikes are easily labeled with a permanent marker and tape. The boat rack is not sheltered. There is a tree over it, not something that catches rain though, and boats go in the water: markers get washed off, tape looses its stickiness. So we've labeled our kayaks several times. Yet every time it rains we find our kayaks moved from the boat racks, and in one event thrown in a dump site. Which we then had to retrieve after noticing they were no longer in the rack. We were not told the boats were being removed, there was no attempt to contact us. This has happened at least three times that I can think of.

Our biggest problem with this condo now is that the HOA is refusing to renew our lease. The owner of the condo has said he loves us as tenets, the rental company that we have gone through to get this place is happy with us, but the HOA has an issue. The problem is 4.4lbs. My fur baby, Neelix, weighs 24.4lbs and their small animal rule is 20lbs. Therefore, in the next few days we need to get rid of my fur child or they will not renew our lease for the year. I know "rules are rules" however an extra 4.4lbs is a ridiculous reason to deny the renewal. I would understand if he ended up being even ten pounds over the limit, then fine, he grew too big and is no longer a small dog, fine. But 4.4 fucking pounds!?!?! What if he was just a little fat? What if most of it is his fur? He is a Sheltie after all, I'm sure at the very least he has two pounds of hair on him now.

There are problems with this dog. When we first got him we did ponder finding a new home for him because we didn't know if we could handle his obnoxious shyness. He's frightened of almost everything. People, that he can hear but not see, he will run away from. People who are on the other side of the street, he will run from. A parked trailer, he will run from. A stationary running car, he will run from. Most recently, a pumpkin on a stool set outside by the side walk, he will run from. Neelix will even run from hubby when he enters the room even though he loves to play with him outside. However, if you have four legs, a tail, and the humans call you a dog, he will play with you! A cat? A squirrel? A bug in the house? He will chase.  

Neelix is my baby! He follows me everywhere, if he's scared he will corner behind me or try to wedge himself between my legs. Since I've gotten pregnant I've noticed that he's gotten protective of me. We had some people over one day that he hadn't met before. When they tried to hug me he growled and got super defensive, in ways that I've never seen before! He's my bathroom buddy, every time I go to the bathroom he follows me in. Then he will either crawl under my leg, sit there and wait for me, he will lay at my feet and lick my toes, or he'all bring a toy and want me to play. If I'm sitting at my desk he will lay under it. If I'm sitting on the couch he will either be on the couch laying next to me or laying on my feet in front of the couch. 

All the days I've had a hard time at work he comes and lays next to me, pouting with me looking up at me with his big puppy eyes. When I cry he's right there in my face licking the tears off me. He's always ready to play when I am, and he has the biggest puppy smile on his face while we do. 

I love and hate his 2 am energy spurts. Sometimes I'm super worn out from my day hubby and I don't always want to play. Though when we also have the energy for nigh time walks I love to watch him play tag with my hubby! I laugh so hard at how fast he zooms around and sometimes loosing his feet ending up in barrel rolls in the grass. They have tag made into a real sport, hubby has to trick Neelix in order to catch him sometimes, telling him to sit and asking him to shake so hubby can get closer. ... If we have to get rid of him there will be no more tag at two in the morning.

If I don't have Neelix there will be no more reason to run up and down the stairs multiple times a day. Who will put their front paws on the window seal and watch for something to bark at?  Who will jump at my mirrored closet to eventually fall into it, open it and make it scary enough to run away?  Who will leave stuffing all over the living room from all the stuffed animals that need to be torn apart and what snow will I have to clean up? Who is going to chase the cursor on my lap top, or the circle on hubby's game?  Who's food an water bowls will I fill up when I take my vitamins every morning? Who is going to catch the cockroaches that run across the kitchen floor?  Who will I get mad at when my stuff is chewed up because they feel they haven't gotten enough attention that day?  Who will I have when hubby is gone for work?  Who's going to curl up in bed next to me when hubby gets up before me?  Who is gong to jump and prance with the biggest puppy smile when he gets a new toy?

If we have to get rid of Neelix I won't have a reason to hide around the corners and run around in circles, laughing and acting like a child.  Hubby will have no one to chase and then burst out in to laughter because he is cowering and just letting hubby pick him up for loves.  If we have to get rid of Neelix I will never know how he reacts to getting a human sibling.  Or how they will interact as they get old together.  I will be losing a best friend.  Hubby will be losing a play mate.  My child will be missing out on having a puppy to learn about and care for him.  The condo will be so empty, there would be something missing.

One of the selling points for this place was that we could have a dog.  Hubby and I really wanted a dog!  Granted we couldn't get a golden retriever like hubby really wanted...  Still we could have a buddy to live with.  Our first fur child together, my fur baby.  I have to get rid of him because he is 4.4lbs over your arbitrary weight limit for "small" animals?

I'm don't even know how to fight this?  Or why I should have to fight this?  4.4lbs!  The owner is fine with the dog.  The owner is on the HOA board and thinks it's silly that they want us to get rid of the dog for that.  Seriously!?!?  There is a board of people of whom the majority think 4.4lbs is worth ripping a piece of my family out of his home!?!?  Now, if he had grown ten pounds over their weight limit then fine, he grew to be a bigger dog than we thought.  If you've had complaints about his barking. If someone on the condo property has been in some sort of conflict with this dog.  Fine.  Those reasons I would understand.  For the simple reason that he grew a few pounds over the "small animal pound limit" that's bs.

With four days what am I supposed to do?  The only thing that leaves me time to do is to give my fur baby up to the pound or a shelter.  That's not even enough time to find him a decent home, or a good place for him to stay.  Who can I call?  Who can I talk to?  To say haw ridiculous this is?  Can I appeal to the HOA?  Should I make my poor fur baby starve for the next few weeks to loose the weight for you?  I wish I could move and get out from under your thumb in four days.  We just scheduled an "urgent" vet appointment where we spent $200 for rabies and vaccines to be updated because you just needed those papers a.s.a.p.!  Not good enough for you?  We have to get rid of him now?  Let me shave him, chop off a limb or two - there's your fucking 4.4lbs! Better idea, I'll leave his poop on each of your door steps.  Add up that weight!

Ugh. I don't know what to do.  I'm not happy that you, HOA, even bring up the idea.  The thought brings me to tears.  To seriously have to consider it just to keep housing for myself?  I don't need this stress.  I need my dog to cheer me up.  Especially being pregnant and going through mood swings.  I need my fur child.  NEED!  And I need to stop crying about this.  I have no idea how to resolve this.  I want to be fucking happy and fucking excited to find out the gender of my child I don't want to be fucking balling because you want to get rid of my fur child.

Update as of Oct. 29th: Hubby got a call this morning from the president of the condo association (or something like that) and apparently the board voted (or re-voted?) that my fur baby can stay and they will renew our lease! I'm not sure what did it, but I'm happy this happened!

Yesterday

Woke up late in the day.  Nothing unusual about that being as Hubby and I stay up till early in the morning.  We got up and got ready for the photo shoot we had scheduled that evening and we were in contact with some people, trying to make plans for the night.

The shoot was fun.  It was a business party.  They had the entry way set up with a red carpet, nice stanchions with red velvet ropes, and a banner with all of their client company logos printed on it so it looked like a Hollywood Red Carpet party.  We got a picture of all the "stars" coming in and later on brought in our photo booth props to take some fun photos.  It was a nice evening with good food and the party favors were hand painted chocolates that we got to partake in!

We had been messaging the people we were trying to set up plans with when we had breaks during the event.  Plans fell through.  They weren't able to join us for dinner that night so we set our navigation system to bring us home. Hubby drove as usual.

Down the road a ways we were stopped at a red light, a car or two behind the line.  Hubby and I were talking about the event that just ended, how bummed we were that our dinner plans fell through, and our busy schedule for the next few days.  That's when we heard the first crunch. I thought "That didn't sound good" and I was turning my head to look in the side mirror.  Second crunch. "Uh-oh." Hubby and I both lurched forward.  I started choking on my gasp I had tried to let out.  Hubby immediately asked if I was okay. As I shook my head yes and and cleared my throat he pulled off the road into an abandoned gas station adjacent to where the crash occurred.

I got out of the car. There was another lady that had pulled into the same parking lot.  She (the witness) stopped me as I got out of the car and told me her story. She said she was going home from church and saw this car driving erratically.  She threw her hand up and started praying that no one got hurt.  She decided that instead of stopping at the light she would turn off and into this lot.

I might have said okay, but I'm not sure if I said any thing at all.  I was focused on making sure everyone was okay after that.  I crossed the street as soon as I could and went to the passenger side of the car that was behind us (car #3.)  He (person 3) was on the phone, I think with 911 already.  He said he was okay and he was the only one on the car. So I moved to the car behind him (car #2.)  Passenger side again.  She (person 2) was very shaken up. She rolled down the window or I opened the door, can't remember which.  I asked if she was okay.  She seemed a little dazed when she looked at me, but she did  look at me and said "yeah, I think so." She was the only one in that car.

I moved to the driver side of the car that had started the collisions (car #1.)  I helped her pry open the door.  I asked if she (person 1) was okay. She was so out of it she couldn't look at me and she wasn't or couldn't say anything.  I saw that her leg was really beat up and bleeding.  She was trying to get out of the car when my hubby came up to me and said he needed me out of the road.  He wanted me over in the parking lot where I would be safer.  I said fine, but he needed to help her. I started snapping pictures on the my way across the street to the lot.

car # 1

car # 1

car #2 

car #2 

hood of car #2 and trunk of car #3

I took a couple pictures of our car while I had the chance.  There was no terrible damage, not even adequate damage to reflect how hard we lurched forward.  

Our car was #4

A little bit bent in a couple of places, the bumper looks like it came loose from the rest of the car on one side.  I didn't get a picture of the middle of the bumper where it's bent upward and the paint is cracked because I didn't notice it until there was more light.  Also the licence plate was bent in and the rear hatch has a slight wobble in it, whether that's from rubbing on part of the bent bumper or something happened to the door we can't tell.

Car #1 & #2 

Car #2 & #3

The paramedics got there pretty quickly.  I watched as they got the cars off the road.  The other victims were in the lot with me by this time.  The witness was telling her story to them.  Then I watched as they helped person 1 out of her car and brought her into the ambulance on a stretcher.

Car #3 

Car #1 & #2 

Hood of car #1 & car #2

Car #2

Car #1 and trunk of #2

Car #1 (it was gushing fluids)

Car #1 Person 1 on stretcher 

Person 1 on stretcher

Person 2 pointed out that there were no skid marks.  It didn't look like person 1 had even tried to stop, but there were no skid marks from our cars that were already stopped at the light either.

After person 1 was in the ambulance a firefighter or paramedic  was walking around between us other victims and making sure we were all okay.  We all had to sign waivers saying we weren't going to the hospital in an ambulance.  Hubby, over protective daddy, brought over another first responder to check up on me.  He checked my pulse and asked me about sharp pains then turned his words toward hubby telling him that mothers know when there's something wrong and if I say I'm okay, I'm probably okay.  

All the first responders left before the police got to the scene.  They left right after they got everyone to sign the waver and the witness left when they did.  Before the witness left she laid her hands on my stomach -without asking- hubby had told her I was prego and prayed -without asking. I was a bit uncomfortable with that to say the least, but I didn't say anything.  It probably made her feel like she was doing something helpful so I let it be.  We were left to wait for the police, calm down, and talk with each other.  

Person 2 called her husband who got there before the police.  She was heading home from work, she works at a well known local law firm.  Person 3 seemed to be a college student at a local university, he was on his way to dinner with family.  His mother came to the scene before the police did as well.  We were heading home as well, and I'm glad hubby was with me the whole time!  Hubby was telling everyone that I am pregnant.  We were all still pretty shook up.  

Someone realized that person 1's car was with ours in the lot.  They wanted to find her insurance card and check out her car for any smells while we waited for the police.  We all wanted to know what caused this chaos.  We had lights out and were looking at all the cars, amazed at the damage (or surprising lack of damage in our car's (#4) case.)  

Car #2 hood

Car #2 trunk

Car #3 trunk (not much damage to his hood that hit us)

Car #1 (the only car who's airbag deployed)

Person 3 pried open his trunk and found an open bag of chips that he said were sealed before this.  After a while of sharing his chips and getting to know each other we started to wonder what we could do, why was it taking the police so long?  When the cop (officer #1) did get to the scene he explained that there was a problem up the road that swat was involved in so he was called in from across town.  He had us all stand by our cars to get our information, insurance drivers licence, and version of what had happened.  

As officer #1 was in his car typing out the police report another cop car joined us. Officer #2 came on the scene to see if he could make any charges toward person 1.  He said that the witness was not relevant, that her story of erratic driving couldn't be used in court, but he got her information that the witness had left with person 2.  Person 3 had come forward telling officer 2 that a paramedic told him she admitted to drinking before she was driving, but that is all hear-say.  

Officer 2 asked hubby an I multiple times if we saw her in the driver seat then showed us her driver licence picture (he had searched her car I think) to confirm that was who was driving.  That was one of his last questions before he left to go to the hospital where person 1 had been taken by ambulance.  He said he was going to try and talk to her and hopefully get a blood test to see if she was intoxicated.    

When officer 1 was done with the police report he gave us all a copy and we were free to go.  I think car #2 was the only car that was un-drive-able, she had her husband there to get her home.  Person 3 said his car was drive-able but his mother seemed to want to drive him to wherever he needed to go.  Our car (#4) has been fine to drive.   We said our good byes and parted ways.

When we got home hubby had made himself a drink and I dug into cookie dough & milk. My neck and shoulders were a bit sore, and hubby was saying his shoulder that has been dislocated in the past was a bit sore.  Other than that we weren't experiencing any pain.  Then we went to sleep.  (Though the dog woke me up twice chewing on things he shouldn't, then I locked him in his crate and he barked. It wasn't the most restful sleep like I was hoping for.)